it's like you're burned out. withered like an emotional corpse. the only thing that is strong enough to kick you into this reality (although I have to admit it gets kinda blurred) is driving across the city at 160kmh, which is more of an instinct nature and corresponds to surviving per se, not feeling something. otherwise I'm slipping. losing touch. no wonder I can't let go the steering wheel, for to stop equals death.

It was middle of June when I decided to go on a road trip for my vacation. The destination was quaint and even aberrant - the Mangistau peninsula, Caspian Sea, Aktau city, 3000 miles from Novosibirsk. Maybe its peculiarity played the captivating part or I was just despondent, filled with inexplicable vehement feeling beckoning with a change, a runaway. Anyway, I packed my bags, brimmed my iPod and in the morning of July 7th we took off.

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Initiative. The key element of modern society and something very perilous when it comes to my life. It was so stupid and arrogant of me to think I could wrap around a finger laws of energy and existence, pretending everything unfolds correctly. Severe payback, massive concussions and hemorrhage of consequences attached. Bravo, nicely played.

Do you know what friendship stands for?
It's not for twaddling in facebook/twitter, meeting occasionally once in a month and pretending that you know each other so well you don't need an increase, but for unexpected phone calls in the middle of the night starting with “Hey, what’re you doing?” or “Guess what?!” and a separate shelves for your tees’n’socks yet which’re still scattered all over your places. It’s not about sending an sms with some regular pathetic congratulations on your birthday, but coming at 6am straight into the house uninvited and after small celebration continue sleeping together until main event, getting sauced and carrying each other to the bed forgiving and forgetting everything next day. Calling and meeting for getting through shit, regardless of day and time, cuz that’s what friends do. They whine and dump their big steaming pile of issues all over each other to get through it together. Being jackass and selfish bastard sometimes to get your sobering slap in the face only to laugh about it afterwards. Cuz it’s the only people you can do it with, be yourself and maybe a little bit more. That’s what friendship with the big F stands for. And I don’t need it with a small. Do you?

certain recent adventures make me realize how many precious memories cover by dust every day. this is saddening, but inevitable

you know, there's something that changed in you and I feel like I'm loving it

I'm lying on the floor completely exhausted and absorbing cigarette's bitterness. It's so disgusting, sticks to after-weed's dry lips. Room is illuminated by a completely preposterous combination of colors, it makes perception somewhat phantasmagorical. Michelle sings something about friday's night. Hmm, today's Sunday. Weird, outside is ridiculously gloomy.

This lifelong psycho only making it worse. Baby, wish I would take you now, put in my car and get the hell out of this place. Somewhere to Arizona deserts, or San-Francisco, at least they have beaches.
There, we'd lie on the moon sea's coast and share our most concealed thoughts, or just hit the road under a pelting rain with Zeppelins pouring out of speakers. But above all - together.

Linkin Park - A Thousand Suns
Massive Attack - Heligoland
Marina And The Diamonds - The Family Jewels
James Bright - Little Things
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
Tricky - Mixed Race
She & Him - Volume Two
Chinawoman - Show Me The Face
Foals - Total Life Forever
Tunng - ...And Then We Saw Land

+ special wow goes to Ben Sollee And Daniel Martin Moore - Dear Companion, cuz it's pretty awesome

I wonder why I feel so down when the weather's shining and vice versa.
You can say whatever you want, but I know what I feel and it's real as a bloody blow in a head. Still.

I’ve never actually attended such events, but considering recent splash of interest towards ethic stuff I simply couldn’t pass by. Spielband from Omsk were absolutely epic, however I missed almost all performance, but what I caught was very orgasmic. There were also some cool things at a handicraft fair, but I’ve spent all my money on this:





It’s called Ocarina (from italian, means little goose) and turned out it has a history of about 12k years.

The Last Emperor, Moli Da Bai Hao and smoky muskmelon - what else do I need for a pleasant evening? Well, maybe to visit The Forbidden City xDDD



Forbidden City by ~photolitherland on deviantART

kaleidoscopes start to annoy me. this flinging from side to side, like there's 3 different people inside me. need to find a way to harmonize them all in one head.
but when they're all silent my only wish is to lie motionless, breathless, embracing a speaker with Amnesiac on repeat, to be soaked, immersed and dissolved in every sound it produces

finally, I found a place for my Voodoo Doll (damn, I should name it)

   

I should've been there. All damn times when arrogance, conceit and lack of conscience impeded. Keeping saying "She'll forgive" did the trick and now there's nothing to forgive for. I guess now I will pay my greetings to image in my head. So, happy birthday. I'm a terrible friend.

Between skin and sheets, skin and sheets,
I won't disturb you anymore,
Between two lights, I woke you up,
The 7th time, I won't disturb you anymore
I won't disturb you anymore

I wanna feel your heartbeat when I'm falling asleep. I wanna inhale you, lick your skin and stroke your hair when our bodies're interweaved. I wanna walk with you in your dreams, or at least feel your presence in mine. Like we used to, remember? I wanna hug you, accrete with you and be inside you forever.

There's too much fragments of former grace flowing through my head. Insomnia is hardly desirable these days. Words' re mumbling in my head, almost floating in complete chaos and I can't catch them, pull them out and line them up in clear clauses. Am I losing grip?
The point is, I don't understand why every summer I feel myself like a vessel for the ghosts of past, memories, scraps of phrases teared out from songs I used to like, melodies I used to absorb like a goddamn sponge, all that shit is just splicing and I can't cut it off.
Every june, every july - I've rummaged all my bloody diary to lift it - it all happened these months. Once for real, now I'm daydreaming. Every time I try to bury it once and for all and forget, it overhauls me again and again, no matter what I do no matter how hard I try it's happening, like a cursed cycle.
And the worst part of it - I'm completely defenseless. I just jump into and start making up for everything I released - accidently or by purpose, like a spineless puppet. And I enjoy it, I fuckin' enjoy it! These masochistic inclinations scares the hell out of me, cuz' it doesn't facilitate, only makes it worse. It's like confessing to be addicted to pain, to the shit that kills you every time you hear the chords. And you recklessly begin doing all the weird stuff hoping it will bring you closer to something happened long ago. But hey - it never worked. It will always be underdose. I am sorry, I just can't sustain in any longer.

Leave me to die
You won't remember my voice
I walked away and grew old
You never talk
We never smile
I scream
You're nothing
I don't need you anymore
You're nothing
It fades and spins
Fades and spins...

sometimes it's really not advisable to re-read old posts
i still can't listen to this song. like blades through the heart

Heligoland turned out as a bewitching, almost living record in pristine headphones. Its minimalistic, yet detailed sound has totally charmed me.

-There's an Einstein quote I really, really like.
-He said: "If you don't believe in any kind of magic, or mystery, basically, you're as good as dead."